Living

Easter Bunnies should be passing out jelly beans injected with broccoli, or wine

As a mother and wife, my entire life is about creative multitasking. I email while I exercise by walking the dogs to the vegetable market on U.S. 1. Four tasks done at once.

Same thing with dishes. I’ll load the dishwasher with my favorite television show on in the next room and attempting to answer my daughter’s homework question while eating a piece of Key Largo Chocolates. Although I give myself credit for at least listening to my daughter’s homework question, I always answer with, “Is this for language arts or for geometry?”

She usually puffs loudly and walks away as I pop another chocolate, load another dish and hit the rewind button on the television to recap on the part I missed while “helping” her.

Because I’m such a fan of multitasking, it only makes sense to make Easter a little more efficient. The entire concept of dyeing eggs stresses me out because it’s taking time to paint or dye something nature has already perfected. I mean, come on! My hair needs to be dyed… eggs don’t. I understand it’s a festive tradition, but my mind can’t grasp giving eggs that much attention when I should be painting my front door instead.

Why don’t we switch this holiday around a bit? Instead of painting silly things like eggs, how about sprucing up our neighborhoods? Especially the neighborhoods who were forced to have white PVC sewer pipes that look like albino Loch Ness Monsters making an appearance in front of each of our homes here in the Florida Keys instead of in Scotland. We should all make a pact to paint these on the week before Easter so they blend in with the landscape in some way. We’d be like Easter bunnies “hiding” the PVC pipes, making it fun for fellow neighbors to try to find them on Easter morning.

For me, this would be better than a basketful of candy. Well, sort of.

Making up Easter baskets is another conundrum. Instead of Easter baskets, I want to switch this concept around and begin packing my daughter’s lunchbox with the plastic grass, jellybeans, chocolate eggs and sugary peeps. This satisfies my multitasking fetish and she gets a sugar rush at school instead of home. Works for me.

Hunting for Easter eggs? Really? This is so obvious for any mother it’s almost redundant to write about why this is an insane theory. Shouldn’t our kids be walking around with a laundry basket and hunt for random socks and underwear instead? Or, how about finding dishes and glasses scattered throughout the house and loading them in the dishwasher? (Of course, at my house, we rarely use “fancy” dishes. Instead, we’d need to carry around a trash bag and hunt for paper plates and plastic glasses.)

Easter is my husband’s holiday. He has tweaked it a bit and instead of hopping around hiding eggs for my daughter to find, he has her find fish, using the eggs with a bobber. He figures it’s close enough. He even prays a bit out on the boat, which is probably more than he does all year long, so it sort of works on all levels.

Jellybeans are absolutely required during this holiday, probably because they are shaped like bunny poop, which is sort of icky if you think about it too intimately. The company, Jelly Belly, really knows how to make a buck out of candy that looks like bunny poop. As a matter of fact, in 2008, this multi-million dollar jellybean biz introduced the mean bean into the sweet jellybean family. They mix disgusting flavors in with their delicious flavors and make them look identical to make their “BeanBoozled” jellybeans.

Kids and adults love guessing what they might run across. Who can resist accidentally eating a jellybean that looks like it might be peach flavored, but realizes — too late — that it tastes like barf instead? You might get chocolate pudding or canned dog food, or hope for a coconut-flavored jellybean when it’s actually sour milk. A risk, but more than worthwhile when you hit the jackpot. Sort of like the dating scene. Everyday women have great men mixed in with turds to choose from. Of course they ultimately want to end up with someone sweet, but it’s sickly fun to run across a bad boy every once in awhile. BeanBoozled is a brilliant concept.

If a candy flavored like earwax is so popular, why can’t Jelly Belly invent a jellybean injected with actual nutrients instead? Like a broccoli bean? Or a brussel sprout bean? Again, we could easily check off two boxes at the same time this way. Vegetables and Easter. Check. Check.

Honestly wine jellybeans would be the best invention for everyone. After a week of packing lunch boxes with plastic grass and forcing the kids to pick up dirty laundry with an Easter basket, I know my family would beg me to pop a few of those beans. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any jellybeans with real alcohol inside. Fortunately, Key Largo Chocolates have chocolates with this vital ingredient. Now… that is how you multitask correctly.

Jana Vandelaar has worked as a freelance writer in the Keys with a loving family, fun friends and smelly pups for more than 20 years. Check out her website at www.janavandelaar.com for more books available online or ‘Like’ her Facebook page at JanabananaINK for daily smiles about life as she sees and lives it. If you enjoy her articles, Jana has a book titled, “ONLY IN THE KEYS, Snort-Laughing Stories About Life In The Florida Keys.” This is a fun book full of Jana’s most popular articles written for The Reporter since 2008. It’s available at Randy’s Florida Keys Gifts, MM 102.4 or at Hooked On Books, MM 81.9.

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